Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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