I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
