apparently the secret to your success is patron
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
