You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
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