if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize