apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
even my farts smell like vagina
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
