Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
