she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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