smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
