I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
