I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
