I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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