Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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