Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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