i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
