just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
