Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize