No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
