So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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