We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
