is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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