I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
