My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
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