When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
