Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
