totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
