She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
