Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize
