What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize