Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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