Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
