Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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