The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Randomize
