Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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