i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
