Someone shit on the floor
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
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