yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
