i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
