so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
