you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
