This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
