god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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