The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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