Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
