every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
