Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
