my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
