My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
my being single is dangerous.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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