my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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