Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
