Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
