I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
