I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
