The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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