i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
