just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
