So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
She even gives head with a lisp.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
